The last two months have been nothing short of crazy. Our journey in parenthood has become more interesting than ever and each day that goes by I wonder what God really has planned for us. As many of you know we took in two little girls about a month ago, ages 2 and 4. We hadn’t planned on taking a placement when we did, actually to be honest the day before we said, “yes”I had told our worker to hold off on letting us know any placements until we got back from Baby Girl’s Baptism. Needless to say that didnt last long and a placement email for our girls and their brother came in that very day. Of course I immediately deleted it. I knew we weren’t taking in kiddos and I definitely wasn’t ready for a sibling set of three. Obviously God had other plans.
The next morning another email went out from our agency. It said the children still needed placement and they were willing to separate the girls from their brother if need be. Something in me told me we were supposed to take them in. I don’t know what it was, or why I felt that way, but it was like I was just supposed to say, “yes”. I texted our worker before even asking Josh his thoughts. She was a little worried with us leaving town a mere week later but she said if no other options presented themselves we would be considered for placing the girls. The rest of the day was a complete blur. No other families were willing or available so it came down to us making the final decision of agreeing to placement. Josh was pretty much in meetings all day and unable to talk or text, so essentially I made the decision on my own with the trust that the Lord would work it out if He really wanted them to be in our home. Everything did work out and their stay with us has definitely taught me more than I could imagine.
I’ve learned about trauma, behaviors, how to care for older children, routines and rules, and how to combat all the chaos of placement when the child understands what’s going on around them. I’ve learned how to entertain a child when they literally need constant attention, and how to give myself enough grace and self-care to get through the hard days. I will be honest with you, this placement has been hard on our family. For me the bonding and love came easily, but for everyone else it wasn’t so simple. One of our children struggles to attach to men, while the other one doesn’t listen to any other females except me. That made doing things without me present almost impossible, Aunt Makayla and Daddy Josh could only do so much before I was required to step in to alleviate all the tension.
As much as I’ve always wanted to be needed it’s absolutely exhausting when you’re literally needed 24/7. The really tough thing we’ve had to learn with older kiddos is that you can’t just rock them or cuddle them and then all their worries melt away, you have to talk it out, and find the right, age appropriate words to be able to communicate what’s going on. It makes the hard days so much harder when you’re having to think through every. single. word. before you say it. I’ve failed so many times recently with saying the wrong thing. I’ve not thought about their trauma and have raised my voice more times than I care to admit. I have let all my behavior training out the window when one child refuses to get in the bath because she’s screaming hysterically because I wouldn’t carry her up the stairs. It’s exhausting you guys, but this is the life we’ve chosen, and I honestly wouldn’t change it any other way.
Since we’ve had the girls I’ve been thinking a lot about where the Lord is leading us in the journey. Since we have older kiddos now my aching for a baby has only intensified. I’m getting to a point in our journey where I just want to scream, “It’s not fair!” I want to yell to everyone how it’s been 2.5 years and we’re still not pregnant. I find myself getting angry when I read about other family’s adoptions instead of feeling happy and joyful like I should. I want this journey to just be complete with a baby or children in our arms, but it just doesn’t seem to be happening and to be honest I don’t know whether to fight or to just give in.
The hard thing about fighting is that eventually you get exhausted. That’s what’s happened to us throughout this world of venturing through infertility. Every time we would set up a new appointment or meet with a new doctor we’d have so much strength to get through what they needed us to do, but after a few months of trying every remedy under the sun and nothing changing we would get tired. Our finances, time, and emotions would be depleted and we would realize we just needed a break from it all. Add in the craziness of foster care and raising foster children and we literally had some days we were at a breaking point. There have been many seasons for us in the past few years and each season required us to only focus on one outcome at a time. There were times when fostering needed to take the front seat and we needed to focus on the children in our care and devote all our time and energy into making sure they were our top priority. Then there were other times where our foster kiddos were doing well, routines were in place, work was manageable, and we were able to take on the task of dealing with another doctor, more tests, and new remedies.
The past 8 months though our main focus has not been on infertility. It has been on our careers, fostering, advocating for children in our care, and taking time for ourselves so we don’t burn out. But now that has all changed. Now that we are finally in somewhat of a routine with the girls we’re finally taking the plunge into the infertility world again. I met with a new doctor today who is more of a nutritionist and holistic doctor. She is running tons of different bloodwork to see what is really the root cause of all the fertility issues. She also has me on a handful of different supplements and she changed my diet completely to avoid gluten, dairy, and grains. It’s a HUGE step to be taking and a major life change but I know that I’m ready. I’m tired of living in pain with some of the issues I deal with, I’m tired of seeing negative pregnancy tests every single cycle, and I’m tired of being discouraged about it. I want to not only be able to conceive a child but I want to be a healthier and happier version of me.
All of these changes are obviously huge but I know there’s a huge reason it’s taken us this long to get to this point. I wouldn’t have been willing to change so much if I didn’t want it so bad, and to be honest I’ve never wanted something more in my life. Today on the way to the doctor I saw a new art building they are constructing downtown. There is a huge sign outside the building that has this quote, “Every act of creation is first an act of destruction.” -Picasso. I couldn’t help but dwell on this saying. So much of what I wanted had to be destroyed before the Lord could create what He wanted. So many of my plans needed to be destructed before any thought of creation could even begin. I know that we are in the right place and I know that all of this hard work is just part of the process to create something beautiful from the ashes of our past destruction.