I stare down at my wrist as I swiftly hit the keys on the laptop keyboard. My heart skips a beat and my lungs forget to breathe in the air they need to survive. I see your name written on a bracelet I bought especially for you. I look at each and every letter as they spell out your name, wondering where you might be today. I feel the tightness of the bracelet on my wrist, wondering if that’s how you feel wherever you may be. Are you safe? Are you loved? Have you even entered the Earth yet or are you just a distant thought in your biological mother’s mind?
My questions on your existence rage throughout my mind. There are days when your name sweeps across my heart and I wonder if today will be the day I will meet you. I know you’re out there sweet girl. I know the Lord has promised you to me, but other than your name and your age I am left clueless. I cling to the promise that our heavenly father gave me a mere 8 months ago in a school parking lot. I remember His words to me on that day so clearly it was almost as if He was sitting next to me in the passenger seat. I was fighting with Him that day, pleading and begging for Him to give your dad and me a forever child. I was stricken with pain when I felt like our journey would never end. That’s when He spoke to me and told me you were out there. He put it so deeply on my heart that I needed to start praying for you. I needed to pray for your safety, your well being, and for the power of the Lord to intervene on your behalf when things became unsettling. That day He told me your age, that you were 3 years old and that you would one day be ours.
It wasn’t until a few days later that I heard Him speak your name. I was putting away laundry, something I absolutely loathe, and I remember Him so clearly articulate your name. I don’t know why that was the name He gave me, it’s not an uncommon name, or even one I would have chosen had we needed to pick one out, but it was your name. I shared all the Lord’s promises with your dad. I told him I knew you were out there, waiting for us, and we needed to pray hard for you. He was shocked, but oh so thankful that finally, after years of waiting, we finally knew you were out there.
The past 8 months have brought me to my knees in despair and have filled my heart with joy upon joy all at the same time. I have seen our Abba Father fulfill His promise of you. Just days after the Lord speaking your name to me your dad and I had the chance to pursue the adoption of another little girl. The situation was perfect, this little girl was precious, and in all Earthly ways we should have said yes. But sweet girl we didn’t. We gracefully turned down the opportunity to become forever parents. Why you may ask? Because we had a promise given to us for you, and this child was not you.
I wonder on days when the pain of waiting seems so deep, when you’ll come to us. I’ve spent countless hours wondering how old you are now. If you’re actually 3 or if you are just a little baby who will have to endure years of pain and hardship before coming home. I’ve asked God multiple times on the details of your entrance into our lives. I’ve prayed so deeply that He would give us a peace on where to lead us. I’ve contemplated domestic adoption, foster care adoption, continuing to foster, and even international adoption in order to find you, but each time the Lord tells me to just be still and wait.
It’s hard to wait sweet one when I know that you’re somewhere on this earth needing love and caring. It’s hard to wait when I’ve been promised something but have no idea when that promise will ever be fulfilled. That’s why my love I now wear your name on my wrist. It’s like you’re always with me, even though we have never met. It’s a reminder that through all this waiting you are already ours. It’s a reminder that God’s promise will be fulfilled, and that one day, maybe soon, or maybe not, you will finally walk through that front door and forever be welcomed home.